Just for laughs

May 27,2020

I dreamed of an alligator again except this time it was really big and all white. It was passive and just turned away from me.  I haven’t been working on any of my goals. I have been working and its really putting a toll on my body. I’m tired all the time. It’s the reason why I wanted out. I think my dream represents me and my disappointment in myself. I can’t even write every day; I’m dooming myself before I even start. I am going to keep trying I might surprise myself.

I ordered pizza tonight I hate going to the grocery store. The hub said order out and he didn’t have to twist my arm. I work tomorrow in the am a long day I will be hurting afterwards that’s for sure. This entry sounds like one of my phone calls so I’m going to go for now. I do intend on doing some different things on here like videos and pictures of my family this is my recording of my life from 5/2020 on so its time to step up my game.

                                                                                 Jessika Bland  7:10pm

That's me!

IBS sucks!

Uggg I can't eat anything anymore. I felt like crap most of the day. I had chocolate chip cookies last night and woke up in the middle of the night with the runs. Spent all morning going back and forth to the bathroom. I even called out of work. 

I slept till seven pm and now of course I am wide awake. The computer is in the bedroom so I'm blogging on my phone trying to keep my promise to myself with writing something everyday. I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Dreams

May 17, 2020 Sunday Am 78* Blue Skies

Do you remember your dreams?

I do mine are very visual I don’t remember them for long and only some really stick out. I tend to dream a lot about water. Last nights dream or this morning shall I say was a creek or maybe small river and I was on the edge watching how fast the water was moving when I saw alligators’ big ones and the current had them but they were not bothered by it. The weather was murky not stormy but no sunshine. Then there was this small white dog, at first I thought it playing in the water it kept running and sliding against the current I was worried for it because the alligator was so close but then it came out of the water with a baby deer in its mouth. I was horrified.

What a weird thing to remember but that scene is stuck in my head. So, I looked up the meaning of rushing river and it said: River in the dreams symbolizes your flow of your life, the attitude that you have while going through the courses of events. ... A river on a calm sunny day symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. However, a rapidly flowing river over a storm can symbolize a turbulent phase of your life.  That so makes sense with what is going right now. So, then I googled Alligators in dreams: If you dreamed about an alligator, maybe such dream indicates a situation in your life that's pushing you out of balance. In general, alligators in dreams represent your crippling fears. ... Seeing alligators in your dream can symbolize betrayal or deception, so be on the lookout.  Again, wow hits the nail right on the head. So of course, I googled death of a deer: Hitting a deer symbolizes a major obstacle in your plan. ... The appearance of a dying or wounded deer in a dream reflects the lack of compassion shown by your organization or family members. On the contrary, witnessing the carcass (dead body) of a deer alerts you about a major transition soon occurring in your life.

 So, I really think its all about my job and how I feel about it. I feel betrayed by the corporation and my anxiety is off the charts for every shift for every shift I go to I have panic attacks before I go in and once, I’m there I feel out of it I keep forgetting things, dropping everything I touch. People are upsetting me easier than normal. That’s why I am changing my life. I feel like this job is sucking my soul out of me.

I think by the alligator not fighting the current represents me trying to go with the flow right now I don’t have options I have to go to work and until I find the right job it is my only option I tried leaving once but I just couldn’t move on. The money is good. I don’t have my G.E.D so I am limited and I sure can’t live off minimum wage. I can’t change my past but I’m sure the hell am going to change my future. I will be a 2020 grad student!!